An Alien Sighting!
by Luminiferous
Summary: Bella learns of Edward's vampirism another way. After moving to Forks, she is taken sightseeing by Jake. What they end up seeing, however, is a glowing bronze haired ‘alien’. Whoever could it be? :] [Chap 1 is a one shot titled Tonto, chap3 up. R&R?]
1. Tonto: The Little Sperm that Could

Hello my fellow twilight lovers. This first chapter is a (oneshot) fanfic I was motivated to write due to the unrealistic, in terms of the novel itself, themes and plots which are present in many fanfics I've read. One example of this are the pregnant Bella fanfics. I just wanted to make up a way Bella could actually have gotten pregnant! Please forgive the EXTREME OOC ... for I know this is not at all the way Stephenie Meyer intended for her characters to be used. AND in no way is this meant to burn the authors who write pregnant Bella/Edward stories... (or is it? Ehhh? Just kidding. I love a lot of them). This is only a parody, tho I must add **I am a very serious twilight fan)**. :) I was planning on posting this separately, but I was too lazy, so this will open for my first ever fanfic AN ALIEN SIGHTING. Now enough of my long winded authors note, and onto the disclaimer. :)

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****Disclaimer**: In no way do I own Twilight or any of it's characters. They, the characters, are merely vehicles in which I use to divulge my inner sexual desires, perverted-ness, and any other array of emotions or actions I wish to bestow upon them. I also do not own superman, or any other character I happen to mention in any of my chronicles. :D 

And now for the feature presentation:...

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_**TONTO: THE LITTLE SPERM THAT COULD.**_

_By: Luminiferous (I've changed my pen name multiple times. This will be the last! I swear. )_

_Act I_

_Scene I. _

_(epic music... curtain rises. Setting: Bella's balcony.)_

_(Bella addresses audience:)_

**Bella**: "I am in utter ecstasy. My life could not be better. My bum leg has finally mended, and despite my random and unfounded maladroitness, I can finally walk normally. But... wait. _(dramatic pause)_ I take that back. My Life could be better. More complete. If only... Edward would. ... _(brilliant crimson conspicuous blush)_ ... dare I say it? ... Have sex with me!"

_(Bella saunters over to window, trips, and opens doors to balcony which has magically appeared there. She walks out and perches upon the marble railing. Unbeknownst to her, Edward is sitting upon a near tree) _

**Bella**: "O Edward, Edward! Wherefore art thou Edward! Deny thy vain assurance and give in to thy vampirism. Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, And I'll no longer be a mere feebleminded mortal. (It's _Romeo and Juliet_, in case you didn't get that. Hah)

_(Edward leaps to a closer tree, intrigued...)_

**Edward**: "Shall I hear more, or shall I speak this?"

**Bella**:" 'Tis but thy stubbornness that is my enemy. Thou art myself, though not a vampire. What's a vampire? It is not alive, not dead. ... only... That which I call a rose... Seductively and dangerously beautiful. So Edward, would, if he were not so stubborn, retain that dear perfection which he owns... Without that title. Edward! Constitute thy vampirism! And for thy blood, which is no part of thee, TAKE ALL MYSELF!"

_(Edward leaps from tree to Balcony)_

_(Bella gasps and trips on a leaf the gentle wind stirred.)_

**Bella**: "Inu-yasha!?"

**Edward:** "..."

**Bella: **"Edward! ... why doth thou wear a red mans kimono and a long white haired wig?"

**Edward:** "I'm not... And I hate Inu-yasha!"

_(style of speaking switches back to modern English)_

**Bella**: "Oh..." _(blushes)_

_(crickets)_

**Edward:** "Soooooo. I heard you wanted to bang me" _(twiddles thumbs and hums Riding Dirty)_

**Bella:** "Oh..." _(blushes)_

**Edward:** "I've been thinking, Bella..."

**Bella: **"Oh? ..."_ (blushes)_

**Edward: **"I think... there may be a way." _(he pauses, and takes Bella's hand)_

**Bella:** "Oh!"_ (Blushes.)_

_(curtains close)_

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Act I 

_Scene II_

_(Jazz music plays in background ... wtf?! Setting: Forks High lunchroom)_

**Bella**: "This is it?!"

_(Holds what appears to be a retainer. Edward nods and grins his signature crooked smile.)_

**Edward**: "I went to the Orthodontist, and told him I'd like to adjust my overbite. _(flashes pearly white teeth). _

**Bella:** "... Wait... how... why... _(holds head in confusion_). How did you explain the fangs and persuade him to give you a retainer in the first place?!" _(Edward flashes crooked smile once again)_

**Edward**: "Easy. I mesmerized him with my profound sex-icity , and told him I was really into the whole punk scene ... so I got porcelain veneer fangs and joined a coven of wannabe vampires."

_(Bella stares open mouthed... and then laughs for an hour straight. They get up from the table to head to English)_

**Bella**: "Are you sure this will, you know, work? I mean, not that I'd care if it wouldn't..."_ (Edward gives her death glare)_

**Edward**: "No matter how hard I bite... the retainer will prevent me from penetrating your skin. _100_ satisfaction guaranteed". _(smiles adorable lop-sided grin... yet again.)_

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Act I 

_Scene III_

_(Setting: Later that night ... inside... Edward. Told from the point of view of the one and only (literally) TONTO)_

_(It is dark and cold. Suddenly... there is a jolt ... and a jerk. (OH MY! Someone must be getting down and dirty up there!) A Lone sperm twitches, and gasps for... erm... something...)_

**Tonto**: "What...?! What is happening! What... OH NO! LOYD! BOB! FIONA...mon!!"

_(Tonto swims around to look at the millions of dead, frozen fellow brother sperm. He laments for them. With a sudden look of determinedness, he lurches forward, pushing through the dead ... beings... which block his path... out. )_

**Tonto:** "I ... must... make it! For LOYD! FOR BOB! .. FOR... FIONAMON!..." _(The movie **Rocky** theme music begins to play. Tonto emits a loud battle cry, and pushes toward the light at the end of the very dreary, frozen tunnel... there is a BRIGHT FLASH... then... darkness once more)._

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Act II 

_Scene IV _

_(Setting: Edwards sofa.)_

_(Bella moaned softly as she settles upon Edward's appealingly toned chest. (Sorry dudes and dudettes. No lemons for you! I'm leaving that up to your own creative, corrupt, deviant, and obscene devices) Edward strokes Bella's hair lovingly.)_

**Bella**: "Edward..."

**Edward**: "Hmmm...?"

**Bella:** "So, do you think I'm pregnant?!"

**Edward:** "Nope. My sperm is deeeeeaaaaadddd. Dead as can be. Yup. So dead, their like, dead."

_(Tonto can be heard cheering)_

**Bella**: "What was that?"

**Edward:** "What was what baby?"

**Bella:** "Oh... (blushes)"

_(four months later.. Sitting in Edwards room)_

**Bella**: "Edward... I haven't had my period in four months..."

_(awkward silence)_

**Edward**: "Are you stressed?"

**Bella**: "No."

**Edward**: "Are you... anorexic?"

**Bella**: "No!"

**Edward**: "Are you taking drugs? How about alcohol?"

**Bella**: "No you dumbsonuvabitch!!!" _(goes to vomit in bathroom_)

"Edward! Get me some mushrooms, pickles, peanut butter and skittles!"

**Edward**: " HOLY-! You can't be ..."

_(stage goes dark and epic **DUNDUNDUN** is heard)_

_(Spotlight appears amid the darkness, and narrator (which happens to be me) emerges)_

Narrator a.ka. me: "And _that_, my friends, is the only logical scenario of which Bella could have gotten pregnant. In the end, Bella gave birth to sextuplets (don't ask how), And both Edward and Bella learned their lesson. ALWAYS USE A CONDOM (Even if you happen to be a vampire)."

**THE END!**

Thanks for reading this. My friends read it and told me to post it and I did, so tell me what you think! I'll post the **real fanfiction **_AN ALIEN SIGHTING _is the next chapter! Thanks everyone! And remember, constructive criticism is loved... so review!

_-Luminiferous_


	2. It's an Alien

Welcome to my second installment of my parody plays. This one is a complete original. Act I starts off kind of slow, but it really is necessary to set up the story. I also attempted to keep the OC to a minimum (In act 1, scene I at least), so... just read it, and I guarantee, Act II is loads better. Enjoy! And please, review.

(Also note): This story is another version of how Bella comes to learn about Edward's erm... vampirism. It takes place two weeks after Bella has arrived in Forks. It is a lot different from the opening in Twilight. Edward never left for Alaska (was it Alaska?) when he smelled how enticing Bella was, and there is still some animosity between the two, as they have not gotten fully acquainted yet. Now. On with the show!

**Disclaimer**: In no way do I own Twilight or any of it's characters. They, the characters, are merely vehicles in which I use to divulge my inner sexual desires, perverted-ness, and any other array of emotions or actions I wish to bestow upon them. I also do not own superman, or any other character I happen to mention in any of my chronicles.

Rated **T** for explicit (I love that word) content.

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**AN ALIEN SIGHTING**. 

_By Luminiferous._

_Act I (An Alien Sighting) _

_Scene I_

_(setting: Bella's bedroom, and lower level of the Swan Residence)_

_(Bella enters from stage right, and sits on bed. She addresses the audience (as is customary in the opening to all my parody plays )_

**Bella**: "It was my decision to move to Forks to live with my father, Charlie. I truly needed a change. A change of scenery, a change of life, really. In this bedewed, vibrant rainforest like domain called Forks, a change could actually happen. Here, I can live a normal life. Boring, yet normal, with nothing out of the ordinary, and no unperceived disturbances to interrupt my ways of living. And here- I don't need to deal with the stresses spawned by Moms new marriage with Phil. Sure I like him, I really do, it's just-..."_(she trails off when she hears the telephone ring downstairs.)_

**Bella**: "I'll get it Cha- Dad! It's probably Jessica or Angela!" _(answers phone)_

**Bella**: "Hello? Swan residence." _(A deep, placid, and ancient sounding voice responds)_

**Anonymous caller**: "Hello Bella."

_(Bella pauses and looks at the phone, clearly freaked out, and begins biting her fingernails)_

**Bella**: "I don't know who this is, pervert, but you leave me-"_(she's cut short by caller)_

**Anonymous caller:** "Wait Bella! It's me, Billy Black! You probably don't remember me, but I'm your fathers old fishing buddy! _(he laughs an amiable, robust laugh)_. And I am no pervert. May I speak to Charlie?" _(Bella blushes)_

**Bella**: "Omigod, Billy, I'm so sorry! I thought- I mean, I haven't heard your voice in so long! Hold on, I'll get Charlie."

_(Charlie comes and takes the phone. Bella leaves room to begin preparing dinner. Ten minutes later, Charlie hangs up the phone, laughing)_

**Charlie**: "Bells! Are you okay? Billy Black! A pervert?!"

_(Bella's blush deepens)_

**Charlie**: "Well, anyway, no damage done. But you might want to add another box of spaghetti noddles to the pan. Billy and his son Jacob are coming over for dinner, and they can eat up a storm! _(Laugh)_"

**Bella**: "_(Biting lip) _Oh... alright. How old is Jacob? I don't remember him..."

**Charlie**: "Eh, around your age, maybe a couple years younger."

**Bella**: "Oh... _(blushes)_."

_(About a half an hour later, the blacks arrive and take their respectable places at the small, and now cramped, dining room table. The begin to eat and converse among each other. )_

**Jacob**: "So, Isabella-"

**Bella**: "Bella, please."

**Jacob**: "Uh... right. Bella. ... _(awkward pause) _So, how's Forks High?"

**Bella:** "Uhm. _(takes a mouth full of spaghetti)_ It's alright I suppose. The classes are easy enough, it's just, I think this one guy in my Bio class despises me." _(she laughs an uneasy laugh and mentally scolds herself "why did I let that slip??")_

_(The others look up with interest)_

**Charlie:** "Bells, you didn't tell me this before! Who?"

**Bella:** "Eh... uhm, one of the Cullens, its nothing really ... really Charlie..."

_(Billy's face tenses for a moment, then returns to normal. Jacob breaks the silence, and Billy and Charlie begin talking once more)_

**Jacob**: "Oh, well, that's okay- I guess. Say Bella, since your new here, why don't I take you sight seeing around Forks? You can't have gotten out much, since you just got here like, what, like two weeks ago?"

**Bella**: "Sure Jake. That'd be really nice."

_(The Blacks get up to leave, and Jacob tells Bella he'll come over the next day around ten. They leave, and Bella cleans up the dishes, then heads to bed_.)

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_Act II_

_( Bella and Jake are driving to ... somewhere. The conversation is light and easy. Jake pulls onto a dirt road and parks next to several other cars.)_

**Bella**: "I still say you shouldn't be driving yet Jake, hey, wait, where are we?! Oh God... I don't like the looks of this."

**Jake:** "Relax, Bella, we're just going to go hiking ... no harm can come of that right?"

_(Bella moans and opens the door to the truck, and falls out)_

**Bella**: "Jake, there's something you don't know about me, I'm incredibly clumsy. Really. In fact, incredibly, is an understatement. I'm implausabily clumsy."

_(Bella gets up shakily and wipes the dirt from her jeans. Jake scoffs)_

**Jake**: "Oh really Bella, you can't be that bad."

_(forty-five minutes later)_

**Jake**: "... _(sigh) _alright bella, you're really, really bad."

_(Bella is stuck in a thorn bush, which she accidently tripped into from, amazingly, ten feet away, on level ground. She has several cuts on her face, three rips in her jeans and her right knee is bleeding. Her hair is matted and she is panting. Jake stands beside her and is shaking his head and laughing, trying to pull Bella from the bush)_

**Bella:** "Oh shut up Jake. I told you I was horrible when it comes to walking on my own two feet."

_(After being untangled from the bush, Bella and Jake begin to walk again, with Jake securely holding onto Bella's shoulder in an attempt from letting her fall again. He laughs.)_

**Jake**: "Don't worry, Bella, we're almost there anyway. There's something I really want you to see."

_(Several minutes later, they stop. It is a beautiful, open... Oh screw it. Basically, it's the same field Edward brought Bella to in the book )_

**Bella:** "Oh Jake! It's beautiful! I can't believe-" _(She stops speaking and squints. With a sharp intake of breathe she grabs Jake's wrist and points at a very shiny, sparkly object with bronze hair sitting stock still in the middle of the field. ) _"Omigawd, Jake! What is... what is that!"

_(Jake looks over in the general direction where Bella is pointing and goes pale)_

**Jake:** "I ... I don't know ... it's an ALIEN!!"

_(Jake takes a step forward and steps on a twig, a minuscule snap is heard. Suddenly the UFO jumps up and looks in their direction. They both gasp and scream. They simultaneously hold up two fingers to symbolize peace. In a blink of the eye, the UFO is gone. It had run away at, obviously, super human speed.)_

**Jake:** "What the cock sucking fucking muffin mix was that?!?!" _(Sorry... I think that was a bit out of character... D . Yup. for now on... really really OOOOOC) _

**Bella**: "... I ... don't... Omigawd! Jake! It was Clark Kent! Omigawd! He is real! SUPERMAN LIVES! _(She gets down on her knees and begins bowing down to the heavens)_."

**Jake**: "Who... is **Clark Kent** of which you speak?!"

**Bella**: "Oh really Jake, who can be THAT sheltered?! Don't you watch TV?! The Movies?! Haven't you seen a Superman Movie? Or Goddamn, that show Smallville?!?! c'monnnnn! Your _killing_ me here! Superman IS GOD! YOU KNOW WHO GOD IS JAKE?? HUH?? Huh??"

**Jake:** "God?..."

**Bella**: "...?!"

**Jake**: "Care to enlighten me?"

**Bella**: "Fine. _(she begins to mutter_) Stupidcocksuckingmofonievebastardwhodoesn'tknowwhosupermaniswhodoeshethinkhe!"

_(it is now very dark out. (Even though just 5 minutes ago it was 12 o'clock in the afternoon) A camp fire that has appeared out of no where is crackling merrily next to them. They settle down in front of it, facing each other. Bella is wearing Indian war paint she found in an Indian burial mound they passed a couple miles back, and has a flashlight, that she seemingly pulled out of her derriere :) she begins telling a story in a intensely spooky voice.)_

"Once upon a time a farm couple couldn't have kids-"

**Jake**: "WHAT THE FUCK!?"

**Bella**: "SHUT UP JAKE! I'm telling a story! _(Ahem) _As I was saying, once upon a time, a farm couple in Smallville, Kansas couldn't have kids. _(she gives death glare to Jake) _can I continue? Okay, So. One night, there was this meteor shower and they saw the BIIIGGG space ship thing come down in their field, so they went all out and stuff and found this scaly alien baby thing. Sooo they shrugged and said HEY THIS OUR KID NOW! Five years later, they found out the kid had super powers, like running super-de-dooper fast and laser eyes and x-ray vison. Not to mention super strength. And... after having several love affairs and having suffering from bi-polar ness due to red krytonite, _(Jacob gasps and exclaims: "SCANDAL!") _he grew up to save the world! He formed the justice league, and wore a red cape and tight speedo like underwear on the outside of the suit, which enhanced his manhood. THE END! _(bella emits weird ghost wails)_ oooooooohhhhhhh!!!!! Scary... !"

**Jake** : "Bella, that wasn't scary..."

**Bella**: "... SHUT UP JAKE!"

_(It is the afternoon again, and the campfire, flashlight and war paint are gone)_

**Jake**: "So, you really think it was superman, Bella?!_ (his eyes are Sparkling with delight)_

**Bella**: "DUH! Who else could it be?! A vampire that happens to sparkle in daylight! AS IF LOSER!"

_(Jake Laughs ... and then begins to scream)_

_(Bella turns around a begins to scream too, for there are now two sparkling "CLARK KENTS" standing right behind them waving their long sparkling hands and uttering weird WHOOTWHOOT sounds...)_

_(X-files music is heard and the curtains close)_

_(end of the first installment of ALIEN SIGHTING!)_

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yay! That is the first chapter of my new fanfic Alien Sighting. Second chapter up soon! And did you like the play format? Review, review (makes futile, silly threats) Or I won't update:) 

_Luminiferous_


	3. Abduction

Chapter two of an Alien Sighting is up! As you may or may not have noticed, I've been messing around with the summary of it... because I seriously hate it. I just don't think it, or the title, does it justice, but whatever. Anyway, thanks for reading, and I'll keep adding to it as long as I see people enjoy reading it! Thank's so much to They. Call. Me. Yaoi. Donut (a.ka. Blue buddy), HikariTwilight, Shining Star of Valinor, RabidGumball, FireFallon, and Twi-lover-light for reviewing! So **please** review, and tell me what you think :)

**Disclaimer**: In no way do I own Twilight or any of it's characters. They, the characters, are merely vehicles in which I use to divulge my inner sexual desires, perverted-ness, and any other array of emotions or actions I wish to bestow upon them. I also do not own any other character I happen to mention in any of my chronicles. (forgive the uber OOC)

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AN ALIEN SIGHTING. 

By: _Luminiferous_

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**Previously**:

_(Jake Laughs ... and then begins to scream)_

_(Bella turns around and begins to scream too, for there are now two sparkling "CLARK KENTS" standing right behind them waving their long sparkling hands and uttering weird WHOOTWHOOT sounds...)_

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_Act II: Abduction_

_Scene III_

_(Jake stares wide eyed and open mouthed at the two unidentified ... beings... now standing ten feet away. He begins to back away slowly, then takes off in the direction where the truck is.)_

**Jake:** "_(scream) _Uh, seeya around Bella! Good luck!"

**Bella:** "No! Hold up Jake! Wait for me- Ouch!"

_(Bella hastily begins to back up and attempts to follow Jake, but ends up tripping on a tree root, although there are no trees in the vicinity where she is now standing. Bella stares up in horror at the two aliens, who are still vivaciously beckoning at her.)_

**Bella**: "Who... what-"

_(She stops short of her question, as one of the lustrous, sumptuous alien-looking-things pulls out an umbrella covered in cute yellow duckies. It, the alien, opens it, and holds it above the two of them, blocking the sunlight which shines merrily upon them. Bella gasps.)_

**Bella:** "Alice Cullen and Jasper Hale?! What the-?! I knew you guys were creepy, but I never expected you guys to be from another world! Actually wait, yes I did. You all are just too attractive."

_(Alice and Jasper look at each other dubiously, and then begin to chuckle. Alice bounds over to Bella and reaches out to her. Bella gasps and recoils from her.)_

**Alice**: "_OoOoO_... Isabella Swan we come in peace! We only want to suck your brain juice!"

_(Holds up peace sign, and then begins to howl with laughter)_ Actually, we just want your blood._ (She smiles jovially. Jasper looks at Alice, thoroughly confused.)_

**Jasper**: "Wait- Alice, I thought we were just supposed to rescue ... not actually-"

**Alice**: "Dumb ass! It was a joke."

_(Bella stares at them, flabbergasted. Alice laughs again when she sees Bella's expression)_

**Alice**: "Isabella-"

**Bella:** "Just Bella please-"

**Alice**: "Right just bella-"

**Bella**: "BELLA!"

**Alice**: "SHUT UP. Thank you. Okay. Right. As I was saying _BELLA_, we are not aliens. We're actually vampires. And since you have witnessed our true forms, you must come with us for questioning. To see if you are worthy of knowing our deep, dark secret. Muwahahaha. And if you aren't, the outcome doesn't look to good for you. _(smiles sweetly and giggles once again)_."

**Bella:** "Psssh. As if, man. Who the hell would believe-"

_(she suddenly recalls her conversation with Jake just ten minutes ago. _"So, you really think it was superman, Bella?! (his eyes are Sparkling with delight) Bella responded with: "DUH! Who else could it be?! A vampire that happens to sparkle in daylight! AS IF LOSER!"_) Bella gasps.)_

**Bella**: "Wow I was right on the money, man! Hey, wait a minute, you're kidnaping me?! What the hell ... Omigawd. Your not _just _vampires. You're FBI agents. THIS IS A CONSPIRACY. I knew it. I just knew it all along-"

**Jasper**: "Edward was right. You are stupid. Absolutely no brain. No wonder he couldn't read your mind. YOU DON'T HAVE ONE."

_(Bella stares stupidly at them, and slowly blinks one, and then the other. Some spittle begins to slide down the corner of her mouth.)_

**Bella**: "Wuhhhhhhhhhhhhhht? Come again?"

**Alice**: "I SAID YOU'RE STUPID."

**Bella**: "Edward talks to you guys about me?! Omigawd , hey wait, he said I'm stupid?! That's not nice."

**Alice**: "He also said you smell really nice. Pleasant and scrumptious. _Juuuuust_ the way he likes 'em."

(_Bella looks at them dumbfounded, and then conspicuously smells her armpit. She looks up at them and smiles.)_

**Bella:** "You're right! I _do_ smell nice!"

_(Alice and Jasper look at each other, astonished. There's a long awkward silence.)_

**Jasper**: "Riiiight. Well, as nice as you smell ..."

_(He takes a whiff and then begins to hiss and spit)_ Bloooooooooood. Bloood. Musssssst dddrrriiinnnkkk yyyooouuurrrrr bllloooooddddddd.

(_His mouth begins to froth with bubbles as he attempts to pounce on bella, who is still lying on the ground, covered in multiple bruises, and bloody abrasions from her fall in the thorn bush.)_

**Bella**: "Does he have rabies?!"

**Alice**: "_(Struggling to hold Jasper back)_ Nooo! He's a vampire! I thought we went over this, Bella!

_(She begins to speak in Jasper's ear in rapid vampire talk. The only words seemingly audible are "Sex" "roleplay (or maybe foreplay?)" "night" "behave" and what sounded suspiciously like "whipped cream". Jasper stops struggling and looks back and forth between Alice in Bella, as if trying to measure up what he wanted more. Sex, or blood.)_

**Jasper**: "... Eh. I'll take the sex. Alice is_ soooo_ stingy. And I can get blood anytime I want. I'll see you later Bella!

_(He smiles and waves goodbye as if he never tried to kill Bella, and begins to skip off at super speed yelling at the top of his lungs: "I'M GOING TO GET SOME! WHOOT! FIRST TIME IN YEARS!" over and over again. Alice looks back at an even more confused Bella and giggles.)_

**Alice**: "_Riiight_. So. As we were saying before Jasper tried to eat you-"

**Bella**: "Wait, how come you aren't trying to eat me?!"

**Alice**: "Well. I have a higher tolerance for blood. See, our whole family is what you humans would call vegetarians. We only drink animal blood, lucky for you. See, Jasper is the least experienced, so he's more likely to eat someone then the rest of us-"

**Bella**: "Wait! ... Your saying your all vampires?! Edward? Dr. Cullen? HE'S A DOCTOR!"

**Alice**: "Erm. Yeah. Anyway, we'll explain more later, but I have to ask. Are you okay!? I had a vision that you were being kidnaped."

**Bella:** "Oh, yeah. Wait! ... What?!"

**Alice**: "Uhhuh. You see, I kinda had a- premonition ... vision, whatever, that the Quileute kid was dragging you into the forest. And you looked all bloody and stuff. Then Edward saw him pulling you here a couple minutes ago (he was here meditating). Naturally, he went after him and we rescued you, 'Cus we can't have you dead. Edward likes you too much."

**Bella**: "Wait! No! Jake wasn't kidnaping me! He was taking me sighting seeing, and I'm very clumsy... DID YOU SAY EDWARD LIKES ME?!"

**Alice**: "Oh... So you mean Edward's killing him for nothing?"

**Bella:** "... What?!"

**Alice**: ".. Oh, _Juuuuuust_ joking Bella. _(Cough)_"

**Bella**: "..."

**Alice**: "..."

**Bella:** "... you still never answered me question! Are you all FBI agents?! IS THIS A GODDAMN CONSPIRACY?! AND DID YOU SAY EDWARD LIKES ME?!"

**Alice**: "No you idiot. And yes, yes he does."

**Bella**: "So let me get this straight. You came to rescue me from a kidnaper, so you could kidnap me yourself?"

**Alice**: "Exactly! And, well you know why! You saw us all sparkly. Plus, you know our secret-"

_(She pauses, and looks curiously at Bella.)_

**Alice**: "How come you aren't freaking out about all this? I mean most _normal_ people would go into shock at the prospect of having vampires roaming around with other humans."

_(Bella shrugs.)_

**Bella**: "This is all some _really_ vivid dream. Edward defiantly doesn't like me. He gives me scary looks in Bio."

**Alice:** "It's 'cus you smell nice. And he has a crush on you. Face it, Bella. This is Reality."

**Bella**: "Yay!"

**Alice**: "... Anyway, we need to be going. We've wasted _way_ too much time as it is. So, just climb onto my back and-"

**Bella:** "Whoa now. Alice, look, I may be able to accept your vampirism, but I'm not doing any lesbian action with you. I just don't go that way, okay? I mean, being gay is cool and all, and I'm pro-gay-ness, but it's not who I am, I'm sorry."

**Alice**: "Wow. Okay, Wow. No. Just No. Seriously. Eww, not with you anyway. No. Eww. God. You may smell nice. But. No. It'd be quicker if you rode on me. I can run really fast."

**Bella**: "... I'm still trying to get over the prospect of riding you."

**Alice**: "Oh really, Bella. You're so immature. Now hop on!"

_(Bella moans and shakes her head. )_

**Bella**:_ "omgigawdifyougetoffonthiskindofstuffiswearonallthatisholyandgoodi'llcastratejaspersoyoucanneverbepleasuredagain"_

**Alice**: "What was that?"

**Bella** : " Nothing I-" _(Nervous laugh)_

**Alice**: "Okay, then. Now climb on!"

_(Bella hops on and they begin to run. It is silent for about five minutes (and quite awkward for Bella). Alice appears to be in deep thought, which is probably why she didn't sense the camper(s). Suddenly...)_

**Voice**: "Bella?! Alice Cullen?! What are you doing?"

**Bella**: "Omigawd, it's Mike Newton! From School! Alice! Run away!"

**Alice:** 'What?! Oh no."

_(she slows her run to a normal pace.)_

_(Just then Mike steps out from the woods. He stares in disbelief at Alice and Bella who, may I remind you, are on top of one another. One is holding a duckie umbrella, and the other is extremely bloody and disheveled . To him, it looks like a kinky XXX lesbian version of Mary Poppins. And even more so, due to the vintage cream-colored dress Alice happens to be wearing, and the fact she was singing "Just a spoon full of sugar let's the medicine go down" to Bella. )_

**Bella**: "Oh, Hey Mike! Nice day isn't it? We're just, uh... playing horsey! Neiiiiiiigh! It's for- drama class! It's a skit we're performing! Uh... seeya Monday!"

_(She waves and they run away, making neighing noises.)_

**Alice**: "Ouch, that was embarrassing. Oh, Bella, there isn't a drama club at Forks High."

**Bella**: "You think?! And oh..."

_(The remainder of the trip is silent. they finally arrive at the Cullen house.)_

* * *

_Scene IV_: 

_(Bella gapes at the huge mansion which Alice has just nonchalantly called "home". )_

**Bella**: "This is where you live?! I should have figured I guess, but omigawd its beautiful, and timeless. Perfect for a bunch of vampire FBI agents I suppose"

**Alice:** "Uh-huh. FBI agents, right. Anyway, Carlisle and they rest of us are inside waiting to initiate the meeting,"

**Bella**: "What meeting? Your still not explaining anything!"

**Alice**: "... You'll see when we get inside."

**Bella**: "Okay. Ooo is Edward there? 'Cus now that I know he likes me, I want to tell him I think he's a hot mama himself!"

**Alice**: "No, _(nervous laugher) _I think he has some business to take care of._ (coughlikekillingjacobcough)_"

**Bella**: "Come again?"

**Alice**: "nuuuuuuuthing."

_(They enter the house to see the rest of the family, excluding Edward, lined up on the stairs from oldest to youngest (in term of vampire years). "Kinda reminds me of some fucked-up modern vampire version of the Sound of Music" Bella muttered. Alice looks at Bella, somewhat confused. Carlisle then steps down and approaches bella. There is a warm smile on his face.)_

**Carlisle:** "Welcome Bella! We've heard so much about you! Like the fact you're quite stupid and you smell nice!"

**Bella**: "... Wow. Thanks. I guess."

**Carlisle**: "You're quite welcome! Now, I know this seems odd, but we'd like to make sure you won't tell anyone about us. Not that they'd believe you, but it's nice to have closure. Now, just follow me into the basement..."

(They rest of the Cullens approach Bella, most of them smiling amiably, except for Rosalie ... who looks like there's something quite large shoved up her you-know-what. Bella greets them, and looks around the spacious, modern living room.)

**Bella**: "Huh. For a buncha vampires, I would have expected some cobwebs and coffins and stuff."

**Carlisle:** "No. We keep those in the basement."

_(Carlisle flashes Bella a smile, and she laughs, taking it as a joke. Carlisle then takes them through the winding hallways of the house until they come to a dark empty room. He moves a large red, victorian carpet, and low-and-behold, there is a cellar door beneath it. He opens it, there is an ominous creak, and tells everyone to "Grab a torch!". They walk into a pitch black, medieval-like stone stairwell that spirals downward. They reach the bottom of the stair well, and Carlisle murmurs "I'll go turn on the light". Suddenly, a bright light illuminates the room, then dims to a warm orange glow. Bella gasps in horror.)_

**Bella**: "You weren't kidding when you said the coffins were in the basement!"

_(Carlisle reappears, and is now wearing a red high collared cape and has his hair slicked back. Esme walks up behind him, and she too is now wearing different clothing. They, as well as Jasper, Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie all begin muwahahahaha-ing)._

**Carlisle**: "Mwahahahahahaha. Actually, Bella, these are Halloween decorations!"

**Bella**: "..."

**Carlisle**: "Seriously. We don't sleep in these. But they are great if you like naughty-roleplaying!"

**Bella**: "..."

**Carlisle**: "(Ahem) Anyway, why don't you sit down ... oh! Yes. Just sit down in that electric chair over there, don't worry, it isn't plugged in! (Laugh)"

(The rest of the Cullens begin to take their respectable places. Carlisle and Esme sit on a coffin opposite of the electric chair while Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie crowd onto a near by sofa, which happens to be there, eating a bowl of popcorn. Bella goes to sit down in the electric chair and becomes very fascinated with it's many buttons.)

**Bella**: "Ohhhh what does this button do-"

**Carlisle**: "NO BELLA DON'T PUSH THAT-... button..."

_(Bella yelled in surprise and began yanking at the handcuffs, which apparently the button caused to activate, that now bind her to the chair)_

**Bella:** "I thought you said it was unplugged!"

**Esme:** "It is. But you see, it doesn't need to be plugged in for the automatic handcuffing feature to initiate."

**Bella**: "Opps. My bad."

**Carlisle:** "Uh. That's quite alright Bella. I'll go up stairs a bit later and find the directions for that thing. Now, uh, Jasper and Emmett, why don't you go stand behind Bella to make sure she doesn't get herself into anymore trouble."

(Jasper and Emmett get up and place themselves, with menacing looks and folded arms, behind Bella like body guards. Bella looks up at them, obviously uncomfortable of having two omnipotent vampire men standing behind her. They looked back at her, and then they both begin to laugh.)

**Emmett**: It's cool Bella. We won't eat you. We're just messing with you ... And trying to get into character! You have to admit, this is some funny shit right here (smile)."

(Bella laughs, relieved.)

**Carlisle**: "Right, before we're interrupted again-"

_(Just then, the door slams upstairs and Edward can be heard calling "Hey! Guys I'm home! Is Bella alright? I killed that sonuvabitch Jake. He'll never lay a hand on my woman again! No one will ever harm my woman-" Just then, he appears downstairs. He surveys the scene before him with a look of sheer, livid fury... ) _

May I remind you of the scene before him? ( The scene freezes and I (yes me, Luminiferous) appear on the sofa next to Rosalie and Alice in some cheesy vampire getup. I clear my throat.) Okay, well basically, Carlisle and Esme are dressed up in some quite tasteless vampire Halloween costumes. Rosalie and Alice are sitting on a sofa eating a bowl of popcorn, and Emmett and Jasper are standing, arms crossed, behind a very bloody and disheveled Bella who happens to be chained to an Electric chair. Get the picture? Cool. See why Edwards angry? Yeah, I bet you do. Want to find out what Edward does? And how he reacts? Well, you're just going have to wait until I update! Muwahahaha. Just a hint tho, I think he might go mad and try to kill everyone ... but that's just a possibility. :) But be sure, there will be A LOT more Edward in the next chapter(s). And please, tell me if you liked it! Pwetty please? I'm so demanding :)

-_Luminiferous_


	4. Is there a cosplay convention in town!

Welcome to Act III of "**An Alien Sighting**!". I changed the summary again, because I'm a perfectionist. A really eccentric, corrupt one at that... Thanks a million to **gkc, ebonycircles, FireFallon**, (I'm honored to know you would die nine times in order to find out what happens next :D) **vampireenvy9, SeeECrunVamp, silentembrace, and WithAVampiresVengance **for reviewing.

Disclaimer: In no way do I own Twilight or any of it's characters. They, the characters, are merely vehicles in which I use to divulge my inner sexual desires, perverted-ness, and any other array of emotions or actions I wish to bestow upon them. I also do not own any other character I happen to mention in any of my chronicles (i.e Inu-yasha).

* * *

AN ALIEN SIGHTING.

By: Luminiferous

Act III: Is this a Cosplay Convention?! Or what...?

Scene V

**Previously:**

Carlisle: "Right, before we're interrupted again-"

(Just then, the door slams upstairs and Edward can be heard calling "Hey! I'm home! Is Bella alright? I killed that sonuvabitch Jake. He'll never lay a hand on my woman again! No one will ever harm my woman-" Just then, he appears downstairs. He surveys the scene before him, which include Carlisle and Esme who are dressed up in some quite tasteless vampire Halloween costumes, Rosalie and Alice are sitting on a sofa eating a bowl of popcorn, and Emmett and Jasper are standing, arms crossed, behind a very bloody and disheveled Bella who happens to be chained to an Electric chair_, with a look of sheer, livid fury... )_

(Edward stares at the scene before him for several more minutes until...)

**Edward:** "Are you guys filming some low budget horror movie without me?!"

(There is a pause. Everyone stares flabbergasted at Edward)

**Alice:** "... Booo! Your ruining the show!"

(Alice throws popcorn at Edward)

**Carlisle: "**Alice! That's enough. Now, Edward, what would ever give you the impression that we were filming a movie of any sort?!"

**Edward:** "The fact you're all wearing cheesy costumes, and that there's a camera filming us over there!... I want a cheesy costume!"

(Edward points at camera crew in the corner of the basement. Everyone awaits Carlisle's answer. Esme speaks up.)

**Esme:** "... I thought I'd document the experience! Your true love, learning our family's secret! Both of you learning the others true feelings for one another- It's a hallmark moment!"

**Edward: **" I don't know that Bella's my true love, although she does smell really nice! We just met, and right now I'm concentrating more on _not killing _her... And ... That still doesn't explain why I can't wear a costume!(pout)"

**Carlsle**: "Erm... the only ones we have left are Sleeping Beauty, The Tooth fairy, Raggedy Anne ... and oh! An Inu-yasha cosplay costume."

(Edward disappears for a moment and the re-appears wearing a mans red kimono, white wig, sandals, and is carrying a long wide sword with a furry handle)

**Edward: **"Alright. I feel in the loop now..."

(Edward finally notices Bella and runs over to the electric chair she is chained to.)

**Edward:** "Bella?! Are you alright!"

**Bella:** "Izzz thunk I be fryed chikun. inu-yashii?? _(giggle)_"

**Carlisle:** "Jasper! Emmett! You were supposed to be watching her! Oh no, she didn't find the methamphetamine-injection-feature button did she?"

(Bella throws syringe at Carlisle)

**Edward:** "Why the hell is there a drug-button-feature on an eclectic chair?!"

**Carlisle:** "The dealer said he could add it for just another $300._(sigh)_ Jasper, go upstairs and see if you can find the owners manual for that electric chair."

(Jasper leaves, and Edward touches Bella's face lovingly)

**Edward:** "Bella, it's going to be okay-"

(Bella attempts to bite Edward)

**Edward:** "Sonuva-... _(deep breath) _Bella, honey, it's going to be okay. No more kidnappers, you hear? I killed Jacob."

**Alice: "**Erm, about that. Jacob Black wasn't actually kidnaping Bella, turns out."

**Edward:** "... So, I killed him for nothing?"

**Alice:** "Eh. I envisioned his transformation into a werewolf, if that helps the guilt?"

**Edward:** "_(sigh of relief) _Yes, yes it does. Anyway, Carlisle, do you have a counter-drug or something to get Bella back to normal?"

**Carlisle:** "I'll see what I can do..."

An hour later...

(Bella sighs and settles into a conventional, lazy-boy chair)

**Bella:** "Thanks for unchaining me from that electric chair and getting me back to normal..."

**Carlisle:** "Anytime Bella. Happens all the time _(coughonlyinthisfuckedupfanfictioncough)_ Now shall we commence to the whole point of this meeting? Bella, we'd like to make sure you-"

**Bella:** "Hold on a sec, Dr. Cullen. _(Carlisle groans in fustration) _Edward, why are you wearing an Inu-yasha cosplay costume? Kinda reminds me of the time you came to my balcony ... _(see Chapter 1: Tonto: the little sperm that could)_. Are you into _cosplay_ or something? Whoa wait! Is there a cosplay convention in Forks?!"

**Edward: "**Bella, we've never formally met before this, remember? _(jabjabpokepoke)_. And why are you so obsessed with cosplay?! I mean, can't a man just wear an Inu-yasha costume for the fun of it? Even tho I hate Inu-yasha... Damn..."

**Bella:** "... I use to be obsessed with anime back in Phoenix..."

**Emmett and Jasper:** "_(coughlosercough)_"

**Alice: "**There is absolutely nothing wrong with liking anime! Why else would we have an Inu-yasha cosplay cost-"

**Carlisle:** "_(losing his patience) _Can we shut up about the Inu-yasha costume, cosplay and anime?! _(Edward leaves to change) _Please? I would really like to get back to work eventually.(_everyone shuts up)_ Okay now-"

**Camera crew man:** "Hey, are we done here yet?"

**Carlisle:** "_(begins to hyperventilate)_ IF ONE MORE PERSON INTERRUPTS ME, I SWEAR TO G-O-D I WILL..."

**Esme:** "Calm down, honey."

**Carlise: **"_(Ahem)_ Does anyone else have something to say? No? Alright. Now Bella. As Alice told you before, we are vampires. _(Bella nods)_. I believe, she also told you, that we do not intentionally harm humans._ (Mutters) _We do slip sometimes, however. _(Cough) _Annnnyywaaayy, We mostly hunt animals such as deer. We also possess other unusual qualities, such as shining in the sunlight, and Edward, Alice, and Jasper here all have their own powers. Edward can read minds, Alice can see into the future, and Jasper can control emotions.

**Bella:** "Pretty nifty." _(Bella is suddenly wearing a tie-dye shirt with flowers in her hair)_

**Carlisle: **_"You could put it that way... Now, Bella, do you comprehend everything we've told you so far?"Bella: "Yes. But I do have a question."_

_**Carlisle**: "Yes?"_

_**Bella**: "How old are you all anyway?"_

_**Carlisle**: "We range from 650- to about 50 years old. We never physically age, tho."_

_**Bella**: "Right. But how come the rest of you all don't have powers?"_

_**Carlisle**: "Well, we had suspicions that each of them in their human lives were more connected then the rest of us to those senses. Alice most likely was very intuitive, Jasper was probably good at calming people down and Edward could probably read people easily..."_

_(Edward reappears and is now wearing normal clothes)_

**Edward:** "_(ahem)_ Actually, I'd like to come clean about something. Bella actually wasn't that far off when she said I was an alien. _(Everyone gasps)_ Actually, the reason I'm most likely to read minds is because I am the reincarnation of a..."

(End of scene IV)

* * *

OoOoOo suspense. Edward couldn't possibly be the male reincarnation of an alien mind-reading princess-thingy could he? Whoa did I say princess? My bad. :D Reviews? (I'd respond to them, if my computer didn't freeze when I attempt to send messages ... piece of crap...)

-**Luminiferous**


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